Saying what you mean

‘No – I’m not spending Christmas with your family. We were there last year, it’s my family’s turn this year.’

'No – it’s not going to happen and no, I didn’t agree ……… When? When did I say that?’

‘You start a conversation with the word ‘golf’ and you seriously think I’m going to listen to the end?

'I don’t care if your mother’s started the mincemeat, I’m not going.'

'You think I don’t know what you’re doing? You’ve called me knowing full well that I’ll be on the tram in rush hour because you think it will stop me losing my temper and swearing, well you can **** *** ………. I am not spending Christmas with your deluded brother, alcoholic sister-in-law and patronising mother. Is that clear?’

Now, is it me or do you think she had a point? From where I was sitting (jammed against a total stranger with personal hygiene issues) I thought ‘fair play’ to her, how dare he try it on when clearly the issue needs a proper conversation (and probably a stun gun).

Later however, I wondered what the man on the other side thought of it all – he was obviously under the impression that this had all been agreed. He’d spoken to his partner way in advance and believed that all that was left was the need to buy presents early whilst they still had money, and relax in the knowledge that they weren’t cooking Christmas Dinner. But it didn’t work out like that ……. Why?

Have you ever been on a walk with a few friends and have each of them look into the distance talk about it ‘feeling’, ‘looking’ or ‘smelling’ like rain? Have you been completely flummoxed when someone asks if you’re ‘on the same page’; if you can ‘show them what you mean’; or ‘walk through your ideas’ with them?

Or have you used these words – or a similar phrase – and been met by blank stares?

Most people have a preferred style of thinking and speaking – a ‘representational state’ or manner of talking to themselves and others. (If you want to try a quick test to identify your preferred state, go to http://www.new-oceans.co.uk/new/vak.htm.) Anyone needing or wanting to communicate well with others has to be able to tap into this in order to build rapport with another person. By doing this they will be able to properly listen to what is being said and respond in a style that is most likely to be heard.

Thinking back to conversations where you have been misunderstood – or misunderstood the point that the other person was saying – were you able to pinpoint where misunderstandings arose? Are you flummoxed even today? Do you have a small number of people that you find it difficult to communicate with, but you’re unsure why?

If you’re going to be self-employed, being able to effectively communicate business ideas, opinions, objectives and targets are essential. One to one coaching with Striding Out can help you pinpoint and eliminate communication difficulties.

Coaching can help you identify generalisations you use in everyday language, the assumptions, negative self-talk and language that may be impacting on the way you interact with others. For example, if you often start sentences with the words:

‘I always…’

‘I must….’

‘I should…’

‘I never…’

‘I ought…’

‘I have to…’

You may need to give thought to what this says about your view of the world, what you believe about yourself and your chances of success in business.

Also, if you find yourself simply unable to communicate with certain ‘difficult’ people, you need to devote some time to looking at why this happens and how you will overcome it – before all of your clients find you too difficult to work with.

Paulette Campbell, Business Coach

and the Striding Out Team

 

Back to Leadership

 

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