Turning a complaint into a request

Transforming complaints into requests

Us Brits have the reputation for being a nation of complainers and “Moaning Minnie’s”. Our friends down under refer to us as “Whinging Poms”.

This endearing term means: “a person of British origin who will consistently complain about any situation that they may face. They are emotionally unable to deal with any sort of adverse condition without commenting negatively about it.”

We complain and moan when we see the gap between how things are and how they ought to be and we speak out, trying to narrow the gap between the two. But does whinging, moaning, complaining really get us anywhere?

Think about what it feels like when you’ve been moaning and complaining about something. What are your energy levels like?

What about when someone is moaning and complaining to you? Draining isn’t it?

Complaints to Requests

Another way of addressing the gap between how things are and how they ought to be is to turn it into a request.

Where a complaint is defined as an expression of grief, pain, or dissatisfaction. A request is the act or an instance of asking for something you want.

For example instead of complaining that “ the printer is always getting jammed and I always have to fix it ”

Turn it into a request instead:

“Will the person who jams the printer, fix it before moving on to the next task”.

Notice the shift in energy between the two and the share of responsibility and accountability for the jammed printer.

Our Striding Out team meetings use the format of asking team members to talk about a challenge they are facing, followed by a request on what they want or need, to help them with this. In this way everyone is seen and heard and everyone makes a positive contribution.

Making Requests and Self- Esteem

According to psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, making requests is essential in allowing other people to give to us. It is also essential for building self-esteem because it requires us to practice a sense of worthiness and deservability. The requests can be simple – “Can you give me a lift to the station?” or “Will you help me with my report?” Or they can be more complicated such as asking your boss for a raise because you truly believe you have earned it or asking your partner to go to couples counseling so you can get through a shaky patch.

Stretch yourself

If fear comes up, simply breathe through it and take the action anyway. The results you get are not as important as your willingness to take the initiative to ask for what you need and want. Regardless of whether this particular person says yes or no to your request, asking will open you up to receiving and help you to increase your healthy sense of entitlement.

Practice in Action:

Write on the following questions. Don’t censor yourself. Just write whatever comes to mind when you read the question.

• What complaints have I been making lately?
• What requests could I make instead?

Do at least one thing today that transforms a complaint into a request.

Coaching and Requests

In coaching we make requests of our clients all the time to help them achieve their goals. The requests are asked in such a way that empowers the client and establishes accountability between the coach and the client.

“Will you exercise 3 times this week?”

“Will you speak to 5 website design companies before our next session?”

We make sure that the client also has the chance to say no to our request or make a counter offer. That’s what keeps it a request rather than a demand and the client firmly in the driving seat of their lives.

Article written by Fiona Biggins, Striding Out, Youth & Career Coach, Quarterlife Career Crises Expert.

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